Hurdle

Here’s the deal. I am an optimist. I really do believe that everything works out somehow. I have my moments of negativity like anyone else, but I try not to live there. Lately, I’ve been living there. Today has to be the day it turns around. I have one big thing standing in my way.

My seven and three quarters year old son.

He is going through this “I am going to challenge and attempt to negotiate everything that my Mom says” thing. Sure, he has always been a negotiator and he has always challenged convention. He has Asperger’s. That’s par for the course. The difference lately is that he is doing it with a very nasty attitude, a mean look on his face, and with a will of iron. I am exhausted. I am tense. And I am finding myself being really inflexible and drill sergeant-like, not because I consciously want to behave that way, but because I am so worn out. I just want him to back off the attitude. Be nice. Agree sometimes.

I know what this is about. We started ABA therapy at the end of August and the honeymoon period is over. He loves Miss N, his therapist, but he doesn’t love when she leaves and I expect the same things that she does. He doesn’t love that I am using the same techniques and language that she does. He keeps saying that he doesn’t love me.

Now, I know better than to allow myself to sink into self pity and wallow in the idea that my son doesn’t love me anymore. Logically, I know that he is acting out, trying to gain some control. The thing is that he was controlling the house before Miss N. His meltdowns would sometimes last an hour and who was paying attention to Hammy while we were absorbed in Wolfie’s meltdown? No one. It had to change. We had to find some balance.

Life in our house is better in so many ways since we started ABA. Hammy is happier, he is getting more attention and he isn’t mimicking Wolfie’s challenging behavior in an attempt to get our attention. Eliot and I are parenting on the same page for the most part. We are leaving our own emotions out of it and helping Wolfie turn his behavior around on his own. Wolfie is accomplishing so many things that are positive. If it weren’t for that pesky negativity, life would be pretty great.

I signed up to volunteer in Wolfie’s classroom this year. He and I talked about how I would be coming to school and he said he was excited for me to come. When I got there, he was incredibly rude to me. He refused to cooperate with anything I was asking him to do, which by the way, was simply to come and sit down at the reading table with me and two other kids. Not a huge request. And not something that should be difficult for him. Once he did finally sit down he hit me on the arm and growled at me because I agreed to let another child begin the reading. I did this because I couldn’t reward his behavior thus far, and I explained that this little girl had been waiting patiently to start while Wolfie was refusing to join.

I tried so many times to change the negative to positive. At the end of the reading group, which he left early because he didn’t feel like sitting next to me, I went over to his desk and told him I loved him. I asked him why he was so angry. He didn’t like that I was bossing him around, he said. I asked him if he wanted to share anything with me in his desk before I left. I told him we could have a few minutes where he could decide what to share with me. He told me that everything in his desk was for school and it was P-R-I-V-A-T-E (he actually spelled it out) for him and not for Mom. That hurt.

I left. As I was walking out the kids had gone to lunch recess and his teacher was walking down the hall toward me. She clearly felt bad about how Wolfie was treating me. I am sure it was sad to watch. She told me that he never had acted like that in class before toward her. Ouch.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that he has never acted that way toward her. I am glad that he saves his best behavior for school. I am just sad that he isn’t happier when I am there. I know he wants me there, but he is confused when school and home cross paths. It makes him uncomfortable. Just like ABA makes him uncomfortable when Miss N isn’t around.

I know that all of this will work itself out. We have been through this before and it was hard, and then somehow it became easier. It will get better. We will find a way back to the positive. That is my mantra for today.

Spelling Bee

Spelling tests are on Tuesday and Wolfie loves this. He is an excellent speller. I think he must have a photographic memory because if he has seen the word, he can spell it. Practicing his spelling words is a lot of fun. They are words meant to challenge him as they have been picked to match his reading level. This weeks spelling words included adequate, occasionally, apparatus and rapport.

To practice for the test, we hold a home spelling bee. Eliot and I, and sometimes Hammy, will give Wolfie a word and watch as he closes his eyes, and twitches his arms as he spells out the word with a huge smile on his face. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and asks very excitedly, “Is that right?”

Each time was “Yes! High five, you got it right!” We went beyond the spelling words into words like philosophy and tyrannosaurus. He got them all right and he was so proud. So proud, in fact, that at one point he started to cry. He was just so happy! He was literally smiling, laughing and crying all at the same time. Which, of course, made me fall to pieces. I get so overwhelmed with emotion when I see either of my boys do things that make them feel proud. I remember how it felt as a child to be proud of myself. It was one of the best feelings ever. The build up of sharing the news that had me so proud or that brief moment between accomplishing something and turning my head to meet the gaze of one of my parents is a feeling that I will remember always. And it isn’t just about how I felt. It’s also that moment of sharing.  It wasn’t just my moment. It was our moment. I remember the pure pride and happiness on my parents’ faces and the obvious pleasure they got out of my success, and I understand what they were feeling now that I have my own children.

 Asperger’s can be isolating. It is difficult for Wolfie to connect with peers in a way that is meaningful to the other person. It has plenty of meaning for Wolfie, it’s just that for the other person the meaning is somewhat cloudy. It is interesting and sometimes painful to watch Wolfie with his classmates or his brother. He comes across steamroller-ish a lot of the time because he is excited. Maybe  he knows the answer or has something he feels is important to offer and it is hard for him to think before sharing.

Just last night we were hanging out together by the fire doing homework. Wolfie was working on new spelling words and Hammy wanted to join in the fun. We started taking turns giving the boys words to spell. Hammy was so patient as he waited for Wolfie to spell his word. This may have been because there was no way he could spell the words that Wolfie was given, but he was patient none-the-less. Wolfie, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to “help” Hammy spell his words. Hammy didn’t want his help. We didn’t want him to help. We kept giving him reminders that it was Hammy’s turn. It was so clear that he just couldn’t help himself. He knew the answer and it was demanding to come out! Eventually, he settled down and got the message to wait his turn, or at least, wait for someone to ask for his help.

It is hard sometimes in those moments not to steamroll right over him because he is being so over bearing. Recognizing that it is excitement that is motivating him is so important  in order to teach him a different approach. He is much more receptive to our suggestions when he doesn’t feel attacked, which is so interesting to me, since he is usually the verbally aggressive one first.

It’s strange, he doesn’t feel it when he is over bearing, but is very sensitive when he is on the receiving end. I guess the difference is where the motivations lie. He is excited, or has something to share, and because of his lack of filter for his emotions, he comes across aggressive or larger than the situation calls for. He knows he isn’t trying to be aggressive, but his peers don’t.  When I am impatient is when I come across as a steamroller to him. My  motivation is not excitement or anything positive in those moments. I’m just impatient in that moment, and he knows it.

Of course, there are those times when he is aggressive when he is angry or impatient, but that is for another story.

I think participating in a real spelling bee would be good for him someday. He would love it. And I love the pleasure that exudes from him when he is successfully spelling a word. The way that he spells them out has a definite rhythm. He breaks the word up into parts and spells each part pretty quick  and I get a kick out of that too. The whole time he is smiling his infectious smile and looking to us to share in his pride. It’s impossible not to enjoy.