Serendipity

It is good to be reminded about the good parts of Asperger’s. When dealing with school and other activities where there is so much expected that just doesn’t come naturally for someone with Asperger’s, it is easy to forget to celebrate the good stuff. The stuff you love, the stuff that reminds you just how special it is that you have this person in your life.

I am talking about Wolfie who will talk to anyone, anytime, anyplace. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how you might look, he will treat you like he treats everyone. With excitement. He has the ability to cut right to the good inside people. I see it happen all the time and it is something that I enjoy so much about him.

I hosted a jewelry party last night at our house for some friends and he really wanted to be part of the party. So, I told him that he could answer the door and show the ladies where the drinks, snacks and jewelry was. He called that being the butler and ran upstairs to shower and change. He emerged from upstairs about 30 minutes later dressed in what he calls his “khaki suit”. This consists of a pair of khaki pants, his striped button down shirt, a blue tie, and this old brown corduroy blazer that I got from a thrift store that I never got around to putting buttons on or ironing. He insists that it looks just fine and wears it whenever he can. One of these days I am going to surprise him with some buttons.

He greeted all the guests and was such a little gentleman about it. One of my friends thought he was telling her he was wearing his “tacky suit”, and we all had a good belly laugh about it, although the joke was sort of lost on him. Another friend was feeling down about somethings going on in her life and was uplifted by his good natured spirit and enthusiasm. She sent me a message saying how much she enjoyed him and how he really turned her day around.

This morning I was tired and he was being sort of floppy and uncooperative. He was frustrated by everything I was asking him to do, which is all basic stuff like brush your teeth and put on your shoes. I forgot in the moment to honor who he is and remember the good stuff. I yelled at him which made him frustrated so he cut the laces off his shoes because he needed help untie-ing them and I was too busy loading the car with backpacks and trying to keep Hammy from joining in on the frustration to help.

Looking back, if I would have just stopped and helped him, the morning would have gone much more smoothly. Coming home and seeing my friends’ note helped me to see all the things I was missing about my own child this morning. I am so thankful for these reminders. They present themselves in the most unique way and somehow, at just the right time.

Second Nature

“Is Miss. N coming tomorrow?” Wolfie asked me this last night as we were getting ready for bed. These kinds of questions always give me momentary anxiety because I am not sure on any given day what answer will provide a positive response from him. Last night especially was an anxious one because he had been so sad after school and I didn’t want him to go there again.

“Yes, she is!” I responded with enthusiasm. Again, not sure if this was the answer he was hoping for. I know he likes Miss. N. She is young and makes the ABA really fun, but she commands some authority with him too. Usually by now Wolfie would have seen through all the fun and games and focused on the work. What he does in ABA is hard work. Learning to be flexible and going with the flow, not being stuck on his ideas and being willing to try new things. It is fun, but it is also challenging.

“Oh, good! I just love it when she comes!” He had an enormous smile on his face when he said it. I asked him why he likes it when she comes. “Oh, she is just so fun and nice. And we play T ball together and that kind of thing.” It is curious that he would mention the T ball since he hates playing T ball. It is her approach that he likes. She doesn’t make him hold the bat any certain way, or hit the ball any number of times. They just take turns and play together like two friends. She takes a lot of the pressure off of him and praises him for being willing to try. I love this about her.

I am thinking a lot about her approach with him and trying to apply it to other areas of his life and you know what? It’s working. This morning he didn’t want to go to school, but he didn’t tell me this right away. He got dressed and ate breakfast, watched a little television and then when it was time to get shoes on and get in the car, he decided it would be a good time for a shower. We never shower in the morning. After asking him repeatedly to not take his clothes off (as he is taking his clothes off), I decided to let him shower. I told him that by making the choice to shower, he was making the choice to not watch television in the morning for a week.

He didn’t like that. I just kept repeating that it wasn’t what I wanted him to do, but that I wasn’t going to stop him. He would have consequences either way. He ultimately decided not to shower. We were late for school, but I was proud of him for making a good choice. Since beginning ABA, I have noticed in myself a heightened awareness of how vulnerable he really is. And how his choices to do things that are defiant really aren’t conscious. It is just a reaction. Sometimes it is so unclear what he is reacting to, but sooner or later it is revealed. Eventually the behavior makes sense.

I knew all this before, but it feels different now. It feels more solid, more for real. Like second nature.

Defeated

“I feel like such a failure,” Wolfie said to me this afternoon, crying giant tears following a meltdown after school. It is in these moments that I feel like I have failed him. What am I doing sending him to school each day when mostly, it makes him feel like this? Really, what am I doing?

This thought goes through my head more often than I’d like.  I want so badly to take him out of school and home school him, but would that be better? Could I provide the learning environment that he needs? Is it fair to have Hammy in a school and Wolfie at home? Could I handle having them both at home all the time? Would I be stunting their social growth?

The trouble with all these questions is that it depends on who you ask. There is no right answer. It isn’t black and white. There is so much grey. I am not comfortable in the grey. When I really examine how I feel I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will regret this public school decision. It comes to the fore front of my mind like someone punching me in the face when I hear my 7 year old son tell me he feels like a failure.

I want to celebrate the good things about my children. I want to praise them for and give them opportunities to utilize their strengths.  I am tired of hearing that everyone is special and that in order to be fair, blah, blah, blah. Our public schools are set up for the most common denominator. They aren’t set up for the uncommon. Individual strengths are traded in for collaborative group strength. What if your strength is one that doesn’t mesh well with the group? What if the group can use the strength, but you aren’t comfortable with the collaboration? Is it still valuable? The answer lies in the individual teacher and how he or she chooses to run the classroom.

This is precisely the problem with school. It is one transition after another and very little consistency. One teacher might offer many chances and another only gives one. One teacher may celebrate the children doing the right thing, and another places the focus on what you’ve done wrong. To a typical child this is confusing. To my aspie child it is maddening, more than frustrating.

He participates in the gifted program at his school and at the end of each day there is a sheet of paper to be sent home outlining the lesson and activity for that day. At the bottom of the page is an area for the children to rate how well they participated, listened, used their time, cooperated, and were committed to the task. The choices are 1, needs improvement, or 2, meets expectations. He gave himself 1 1/2 most of the time and a 1 3/4 for cooperation. The teacher gave him all 1’s. This is why he was so upset. He thought he had tried really hard, but saw from his scores for the day that it wasn’t enough. He said he felt like it was never enough. He said he felt like quitting.